just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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