It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
