everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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