dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
