I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
