I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
