So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
