with your own penis?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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