I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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