My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
