I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
