if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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