the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
