Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize