I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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