I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
