i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
