dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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