I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize