I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize