seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
