i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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