my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
