Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
