Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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