I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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