god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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