why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
