It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I love you. Go after that dick
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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