State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
