quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
