Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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