There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
