Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
