mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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