I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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