I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
