I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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