Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
