i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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