I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
