You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He passed out mid-signature
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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