Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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