I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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