My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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