did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize