I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
not ubering you a puppy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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