FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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