Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
