Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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