I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
