Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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