dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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