i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
