Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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