Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
