theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
