my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
