I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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