so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
