so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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