video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Im part way to drunk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
