Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
